The Secret to Great Relationships

Most people say they want better relationships. That’s a worthy goal—but it’s too vague.

In this episode of The No Cry Zone, Jim Best introduces a practical exercise built around The VARIable™ Approach to Positive Relationships (trademark pending), a simple framework based on four qualities you can bring to every relationship:

• Value
• Appreciation
• Respect
• Integrity

Instead of wishing people would change, discover how changing what you consistently contribute can strengthen the relationships that matter most.

You’ll learn why improving relationships starts with identifying your Current Key Five—the five people who have the greatest influence on the quality of your life—and choosing one intentional action for each of them this week.

You’ll also discover how recurring patterns across those five relationships reveal your own personal relationship curriculum and the habits that will improve every relationship you have.

Better relationships aren’t found.

They’re built.

One intentional act at a time.

In this episode you’ll learn:

• Why “I want better relationships” is too broad to be useful.
• How to identify your Current Key Five.
• How to apply Value, Appreciation, Respect, and Integrity to each relationship.
• Why consistent small actions outperform occasional grand gestures.
• How relationship patterns reveal your greatest opportunities for personal growth.

Resources

Visit UpwardsBest.com for daily personal growth articles and Sunday Songday, featuring exclusive previews of new music from Brazen Candor.

Follow Jim Best at UpwardsBest to listen, learn, explore, and stay connected to daily insights for positive change that’s both doable and durable.

Explore MomentumGPS, designed to support your personal growth goals.

The NoCryZone is an UpwardsBest endeavor, produced by BestStoryAlive, LLC.

All rights proactively reserved.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Every night, every car, it's called Every car over just science to get home alive. Every night it's placed again. The dreams we had a way back when. Tomorrow we begin the news with little news to do. I waste, by a waste, your ways, my ways. Flip a coin or phone a friend. Play for keeps or just pretend.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

This is the no-cry zone for a sharper take on life. Welcome, I'm Jim Best, and I'm glad to have you here. Today's fabulous music is a song by that band, Brazen Candor. The song is titled Highways and Byways. And by the way, be on the lookout for Sunday Song Day, a new feature at our daily blog Upwardsbest.com. We give you a behind the scenes glimpse, an ear to the wall, I suppose, of new unreleased music by Brazen Candor, and invite you to tell us what you think. It's fun, and we always welcome your feedback. Today we're going to continue something we introduced recently. I believe it can become one of the most practical relationship frameworks you'll ever use. I call it the variable approach to positive relationships. You may recall that is V A R I capitalized. I'll tell you why in a moment. This week we're going to see how to transform your new knowledge into a powerful high impact skill. You might not need this reminder, but I feel better providing it. Plus, I'm aware that we have new listeners each week. So here is the formula. Very stands for four qualities that you can bring into every relationship value, appreciation, respect, and integrity. Notice something important, as all the no-cry zone insiders do. This isn't about waiting for other people. We don't hem and haw and declare they've got to earn it first. That's like sitting in front of the fireplace and saying, Give me some heat, then you'll get some wood. And I just going to repeat this because I've seen how reluctance, yes, the subtle saboteur harms relationships. Someone's got to make the first move. It may as well be you. It isn't about asking, why don't people appreciate me? It isn't about asking why do people not respect me? The variable approach asks a completely different question. What can I consistently bring into this relationship? Bring value, bring appreciation, bring respect, bring integrity. Relationships may vary, people certainly vary, and of course circumstances vary. But the qualities you bring don't have to. That's why I call it the variable approach. Now here's what I think most relationship advice does wrong. We hear people say I want better relationships. Of course you do, but that's too vague. Imagine someone saying, I want better health. Well, which habit are you gonna work at? Nutrition, exercise, sleep, stress reduction? Relationships are exactly the same. Don't try to improve relationships in general on mass, as they say. Don't try to improve all of your relationships. Improve a relationship one at a time. So here's the exercise. I want you to write down the names of the five people whose relationships are most important to you currently. Not fifty, five. I'm gonna say something about your list. First, if you do not have five, that is definitely not a good indication. Secondly, if key people such as your spouse, your children, your boss, an important coworker aren't on your list, that may point to a problem as well. I'm just saying. Now, some of you may have more than five. For the sake of this exercise, narrow it down. Maybe things are good with your parents and they'll wonder why you're suddenly calling them more often. Maybe things are great with your kids and they're trying to become more independent. Just don't assume important relationships are on autopilot. Sometimes we just need to keep the plates spinning. Now, once you have decided on the current key five, and it may change, but the current key five, for instance, these might be your spouse, a son or daughter, a close friend, a business partner, a parent, a sibling, a mentor, someone you lead, someone who has been there for you. Don't overthink it. Simply identify the five people whose relationships have the greatest influence on the quality of your life currently. Now ask yourself a better question. How can I bring more value, appreciation, respect, and integrity into each of these relationships this week? Break it down. Where can I bring more value? Where can I express more appreciation? Where can I demonstrate greater respect? Where can I live with greater integrity? Notice, this puts you back into the control. The no-cry zone has never been about trying to control other people. It's about controlling what you contribute. You cannot force someone to appreciate you. You cannot force someone to respect you. But you can become someone who consistently brings value, appreciation, respect, and integrity. What a great thing to be remembered for. And that's a completely different way of living, isn't it? And here's the beautiful part. Even if someone fails to respond well, and that may happen, you've still become a better person for it. That's always a worthwhile investment. Let's take this one step further after the break. Give a listen a brazen candor and stick with me. I see more fantastic relationships in your future.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Every morning, everybody is going. Every freeway is just overflowing. Hoping there's no traffic jams. You know me, I surely am. Life is a state of the toys on coasts. Find a way to deal with these toasts. We don't think we know where we're going. But the truth says no way to know. Your face, my face on a friend. So just pretend. Home again. Here we are then. There we are now. Home again somehow.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Hey, where were you? What took you so long? Ha, gotta have some fun, right? I get a lot of people asking me, where are you now? Folks had some fun with last week's story about the mosquito in Kenya. So today I'm coming to you from beautiful San Diego, California. But later this week I will be back in London. Then you will have a hard time following my whereabouts for a while. But I will give an update each week in the No Cry Zone. Now back to today's topic. You've identified your five people. Here's where the exercise becomes powerful. Spend about five minutes thinking about each one. That's roughly 30 minutes total. A fantastic investment. Ask yourself, what one thing could I do this week to strengthen this relationship? Not someday this week. Maybe it's a phone call. Maybe it's lunch. Maybe it's buying donuts and a coffee and bringing it over to them. Maybe it's writing a handwritten note. Maybe it's saying thank you. Maybe you have to apologize. Maybe it's asking better questions. Maybe it's listening instead of talking. Maybe it's simply showing up for them. Now, think how practical this is. First of all, most people struggle naming the current five key relationships. You're already one up on them. And I've rarely met anyone that takes these relationships and says, What can I do this week to improve it? So instead of trying to become better at relationships, you're becoming better at five specific relationships. That's why we're calling this specific relationship skills. They are specific skills, but they're also for specific relationships. I know that's quite clever, but that's how we do things in the no-cry zone. You're becoming better at five relationships, one intentional act at a time. Now, let's apply V A R I. For one person, bringing value might mean solving a problem. For another, bringing appreciation might mean sincerely thanking them for something they've done or simply who they are in your life. For someone else, bringing respect might mean giving them your full attention instead of checking your phone. And for another, bringing integrity might mean finally doing something you've promised to do for them. Different people, different needs, same framework. Now, here's the fascinating part. After you've worked through all five people, look for patterns. Did you notice that several relationships would improve if you communicated more? If so, you gotta work on your communication, and communication becomes the habit for you to develop. Did several relationships need more appreciation? Then gratitude should become your focus. Did several people simply need more encouragement? Become more consistently encouraging. Maybe you noticed that reliability kept coming up. Strengthen your integrity. The individual actions improve individual relationships. The patterns improve every relationship so that it impact stretches out way past the current five relationships you're focusing on. That's where your real growth begins. And that's why I'm so excited to give you this approach. Relationships rarely become extraordinary because of one dramatic gesture. You've probably tried that. Relations become extraordinary because of repeated intentional acts. Small investments repeated consistently. One more encouraging word, one more expression of gratitude, one more promise kept, one more thoughtful call, one more act of kindness. Those things accumulate just like trust accumulates, just like respect accumulates, just like appreciation accumulates. So here's my challenge for you this week. Identify your current five. Spend 30 intentional minutes. Choose one action for each person. Bring more value, bring more appreciation, bring more respect, bring more integrity, and watch what happens. You may discover that the fastest way to improve relationships isn't thinking about relationships, it's thinking about the people in your life. One relationship at a time. Because better relationships aren't found, they're not stumbled into, they are built. And every time you bring value, appreciation, respect, and integrity into someone else's life, you strengthen your own character at the same time. That's the no-cry zone way. No waiting, no excuses, no hoping someone else changes. Become the person who brings value, appreciation, respect, and integrity wherever you go. Remember, become an insider. Sign up for Upwards Best, the daily dose of personal growth elixir. I love that word. But I'm a word guy. Watch for the next Sunday song day. New unreleased music that moves, lyrics that matter from brazen candor. Make yourself a fabulous week. Keep in mind they are free of charge and you can have as many as you'd like. Enjoy your relationships and remember, take the initiative. Join me next week. I'll be looking for you!

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Everyone and everybody is going. Every freeway is just too close. Open there's no traffic challenge. I should stay to the story on close. Last way to be close to it. I think we know where we go. But there's no way no highway, five, last way, so just fold. Every car to get home, every night again.

unknown 17:10

Your face,