Fear on Your Terms

What Are You Really Afraid Will Happen?

People rarely say they’re afraid of failure.

Instead, they say, “I’m not ready.”

But what if “not ready” is sometimes just another way of describing fear?

In this episode of The NoCryZone, Jim Best takes a closer look at the words we use to keep ourselves from starting. Rather than simply telling yourself to be brave or “just do it,” Jim offers a more useful question:

If I were afraid of failure, how would I define it?

Write one sentence.

Then take the smallest possible test within the next 24 hours.

It doesn’t have to be a giant leap, a perfectly formed plan, or a decision about the rest of your life. It can be one small experiment that gives you something far more useful than another round of thinking: information.

Because the result of a small test is a snapshot, not a prophecy.

This week, we're getting precise about the words that keep us from moving forward—and what can happen when we stop treating our fears as predictions and start testing them against reality.

🎈 Featured song: “Mylar Balloons” by Brazen Candor.

Want the backstory on the song? Write to us at media@upwardsbest.com.

Aspire. 
Be Precise with the words that keep you from starting. 
Come Upwards with Us™

Follow Jim Best at UpwardsBest to listen, learn, explore, and stay connected to daily insights for positive change that’s both doable and durable.

Explore MomentumGPS, designed to support your personal growth goals.

The NoCryZone is an UpwardsBest endeavor, produced by BestStoryAlive, LLC.

All rights proactively reserved.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_02 0:43

Welcome to the No Cry Zone, a more precise take on life. No excuses, no self-pity. Emotion is real, but it should not run your show. I'm Jim Best. I'm the only voice on this program. That makes it a bit unusual. So what? Today's intro song is Mylar Balloons. Email us at media at upwardsbest.com. Let us know what you think of the song. And if you're interested, I'll give you the backstory on it. People will do a lot of things before they will test what they can actually do. They will prepare, they will research, they will talk and talk some more. They will wait for a cleaner, clearer opening. They will get the language right. What they will not do is put a real attempt on the table and find out their current performance level. That's not a mystery. Finding out the number has a cost, doesn't it? As long as you have not taken the test, you can still live in the possibility version. The possible version is flattering. It's comfortable. The current level is just the current level. You already have proved you can live with that. Now almost nobody walks into a room anymore and says, I have a fear of failure. We know we're not supposed to say that. That sentence has been through too many seminars. It has been on too many workbooks. By now, people know it does not sound strong, so they do not say it. That does not mean the hesitation left. It just changed clothes. It now sounds like this. I'm not ready. The timing isn't right. I want to do it properly. I need to think about it a little more. I'm just being realistic. None of those sentences are automatically false. That is why they work. Reluctance does not need a lie, it needs a sentence that sounds adult. Mental precision starts right here, not with a slogan, with a sentence you are actually using. If the sentence keeps the attempt off the table, it's doing its job and working against you. The job is protection. But what is it protecting you from? From being successful in public? From seeing a number that does not match your current story? From having to practice where someone else can see your first imperfect version. We can dress that up. We can call it standards. We can call it professionalism. Sometimes it is. And sometimes it is just a delay with a better vocabulary. I'm not gonna tell you that you are afraid. I was not in a room when you postponed a thing. I don't have that footage. I am going to give you a better question than do I have a fear of failure? That question is a yes or no trap. People who would never say the slogan will still answer no, and then keep not testing that level. Here is the better question. If I were afraid of failure, how would I define failure? Stay with that. You do not have to admit the fear, you only have to define the word for yourself. Most people have never written that definition. They have a fog. Fog is useful if your goal is to not start. In fog, any imperfect result can be treated as a verdict. A missed number becomes a character assessment. A first attempt becomes evidence. No wonder the test never happens. It's a comfortable fog. You are not avoiding a task, you are avoiding a courtroom you built and have never described. That's why today we're going to describe it. If failure means I tried this once and the outcome was not what I wanted, that's information. If failure means someone revised their opinion of me, that is just social weather. If failure means I am not who I said I was, that's ego accounting. If failure means I would have to be a beginner in daylight, that is a refusal to let the skill look like a skill in progress. And most of our skills need to begin as a work in progress. All those definitions, though, are not the same event. When they are fused together, the cost of a test looks unlimited. Of course you hesitate. The word is too big to touch. Now, after the break, we are going to make the word small enough to act against. Not as a pep talk, as a definition you can write in one sentence. If you have a pen, keep it. If you don't use the notes app that you keep promising yourself you're going to put to use. Stick with me.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

I saw at the coffee shop sitting all alone. I smiled and said, Can I make myself known? Not my finest line. But she seemed to prove maybe it was meant to be. I suppose a great thing started that. Not quite in love, but we're getting close. And I think we owe it all.

SPEAKER_02 6:43

Good news, we are back. Let's move forward from this point. We're not trying to eliminate fear and we're not telling you to embrace it. We are defining it. You are defining it for you. And once you see what it really is and you shrink it, you will be able to face it whenever you want to grow. Back to your new favorite question. If I were afraid of failure, how would I define failure? Mental precision is not a personality. It is this. Take a word people treat as finished, open it up, and see what it is actually pointing at. The word failure, as we commonly know it, is much too big and vague, and we give it way too much power. Left undefined, failure points at everything. That is its trick. A word that means everything can stop anything. So let's separate it. First meaning, the attempt did not produce the outcome I named. Missed quota. Wrong note. A draft that did not land. Call that did not convert. That's a result. It has a date and it can be improved. Your second meaning. Somebody watched. Their estimate of me moved. Maybe not in my favor. You do not run their estimate. You also do not get to use their imagined estimate as a veto to keep you from doing things in the future. Third meaning, the current level is lower than the story I tell. I like to have thought I would do better. That one stings because often it is accurate. The current level is allowed to be lower than the story. That is why practice exists. Fourth meaning, I would have to do the early unimpressive work where it can be seen. A lot of reluctance is not fear of the final score, it is fear of being observed before the score looks good, before the results are pretty. If you leave those four combined together laying there, you will not test your capabilities. You will keep polishing the conditions, hoping for a better run. Now, the other move we use here. If there is someone or something else responsible for whether you are allowed to find out what you can do, let's identify them. It's either them in your way or you are in your way. For instance, a boss with a real scoreboard is a fact. A performance level for a credential is a fact. A clock is a fact. However, an audience in your head that never buys a ticket is not a fact. A future version of you, who must never look unimpressive, is not a committee you need to win over. The universe is not running your calendar. You set the timetable. If the list of actual external decision makers is empty, the delay has no landlord. It has no basis, and you should not give it any power. Now you can still wait. You just cannot pretend someone else is holding the key. You cannot pretend somebody else is holding you back. You do not need to announce that you are fearless. Fearless is just another slogan. You need a definition narrow enough that a test can survive it. You need a definition of fear that is specific enough that it no longer has any power over you. So do this before you go back to work. Write one sentence. Failure in this case would mean blank. Anything short of that result is just data. Fill the blank with an outcome, not a feeling, not I would feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is whether it comes and goes. You use a raincoat or umbrella, and then the sun is back again. Name a result you want, one that you can point at and be specific about it. Then name the smallest test that would produce the data in the next 24 hours. Not the masterpiece, not the rebrand. Name the attempt that tells you the current level. Where you are now. Reluctance likes undefined words. Undefined words can mean whatever would justify not moving. Intentional evolution starts when you make the word small enough to act against, when you make the word small enough to strip it of its power, and you can move forward. If your definition cannot fit into one sentence, it's too big. You are still protecting the story. Tighten it until a test is possible. Define failure, then take the test. The result is a snapshot, not a prophecy. It's the performance level as of today. That's the only number you can improve. And you do it and you improve it. I'm Jim Best. Join you next week in the No Cry Zone. Check out UpwardsBest.com for daily updates. Reach out today at media at upwardsbest.com. Let us know how you're doing and let us know how we're doing. And remember, aspire. Be precise with the words that keep you from starting. Come upwards with us. See you next week.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

So often was my love loose. I wondered if the party would be started. Maybe it was over. She was walking home. From her looks. There was no way. I start the coffee shops all along. I'd hate myself if I didn't make a move. Not my final slide. But you seem to prove. Not quite in love. We're getting close. And I think we owe it all.